And it goes on!

So I thought I'd seen the last of The Royal Marsden Hospital!  No!  Went for my final check and guess what a lump!  Obviously not cancer as nothing could survive what I went through but a bloody big lump anyway.  So I went back yesterday for a scan.  Lovely doctor hummed and then decided to remove it there and then!  

He gave me a local anaesthetic and then suck a HUGE syringe in to suck out loads of fluid that looked very like white wine.  As this was going on I suddenly thought; God my boob is going to shrink and I'm going to look seriously odd".   So I asked lovely doctor if this was really necessary and couldn't we just leave the white wine where it was.  Sadly it was as it can cause infection, so now I'm very wonky but healthy.

I've also been the butt of lots of wine jokes in the office today, such as don't let my boss know as he'll stop buying wine as start milking me!  Also that's where all the wine I dribble when drunk goes!!

No more visits to hospital for 6 months.

I've decided to stop this blog now as I'm well.  In a week I'll be closing it down.

So thanks for reading.

Love.

Lou.

xx

Ticking Over

I'm back at work and loving it.  Its coming up to the party season so I'm very busy.  

I have about an inch of rather strange hair.  It has blond tips followed by a dull wet pavement kind of colour.  I'm going to let it grow a little longer before I do anything too drastic.  Have decided that It must be done before the party season starts in earnest.  

My social life is going very well and I honestly feel my old self.  I'm still slightly bloated and can't wait for that to go but running up and down the club stairs will soon shift it.  Despite being bloated I've managed to have an extremely lovely and warm romantic interlude that left me feeling like a proper woman again.  I'm not going to go into details as I think that's slightly vulgar and besides its my business only.

One odd thing I've noticed.  Its nothing to do with cancer.  Is the very strange atmosphere in London at the moment.  This week alone I've been delayed on the tube 3 times by suicides on the tracks and I know there have been far more than usual.  I've also noticed that there is lots of arguing going on.  I had the first ever argument with one of my brothers this week about the most ridiculous thing (money).  I have to say its left me very shaken as I'm not a confrontational person.  Also naughty daughter and I have been bickering more than ever and she has been very volatile.  Is it due to the financial crisis or is there something in the air?  All rather worrying anyway.

On a happy note I had the most amazing conversation with my brother who lives in New Zealand.  he called yesterday morning.  I so love and miss him.  Can't wait to go and visit him in Jan.  He is the main reason I'm going to continue with this blog.  He and his wife read it and they love it as it helps them to feel close to me and the family.  

Love you John and Tonya.

xxx

Wey hey!!!

I know I've not been in touch for a while but there is a very good reason!

Before you read on you have every right to call me a 'CUNT', 'UNGRATEFUL BITCH', or any other nasty name that I probably deserve, given the financial climate at the moment.

I've spent days wondering how to word this story. I'm still wondering how to word the next sentence! Right I'm just going to go for it!!!!

About 15 years ago I set up a clothing company with two (then) friends. About 5 years ago it all went very wrong. I walked away very very sad and decided to put the whole incident behind me. I have to say not very well, which is one of the reasons I think I got cancer.

Anyway while I was in Spain this August I got a call from my accountant telling me someone was interested in buying this company. I still owned shares in it. This was a time when I was feeling awful and to be honest did not take that much notice.

So to cut a long story short the sale went through! I've received more money than most people get in a lifetime of work!!

I'm not only well again but also very very rich................

SO HATE ME!!!!

CALL ME ALL THE NAMES UNDER THE SUN!!!

Guess what I can take it! Just don't send begging letters. Feel free to hate me.

I'm back at work and am not sure if I'm going to go on with this blog as I'm very busy. No! Not spending my money!!! Just arranging the Christmas events!! Also sadly my lovely club is going to be demolished next year to make way for tube redevelopment. I'm not worried about employment as I know my boss will keep me on and I've also been offered a job by my favorite promoters.

**0**

Lovely Big Boss and I were chatting and he said to me:

"This has been an incredibly lucky year for you"

I thought about it and realised he was right. I've successfully come through cancer (hopefully, will know in November) and got shed loads of money! What he forgot to mention is the fact that this year (starting in October of last year) I've met some of the most wonderful people ever in the guise of him and his wonderful staff/family.

I'm truly lucky to be working in with such lovely people.

Oh god please don't think I'm trying to sound nice so you'll like me again!

think I should go as I can't stand the pressure.

xxx

Holiday

I've just been in Spain for a week with two of my favourite girls.  Mrs T (famous for here advice on how to cope with cancer) and Mrs M.  My family house in Spain is amazing (although I say so myself).  The girls are fantastically spoilt (especially Mrs T) but even they were very impressed with their accommodation. Every room has a bathroom en-suit and the rooms are fantastically comfortable,with down pillows, linen sheets and soft wool blankets.  

My darling Mother loves hotels and has an obsession with the bathroom bits so is always collecting them and tipping the maids to gets extra.  These all go to Spain to decorate the bathrooms.  Each room has a different hotel theme.  I was the latest hotel they stayed in, in Saville.  Th parents went there for their wedding anniversary last month (they are still ridiculously romantic).

We had the whole house to ourselves which is a first for me.  I was very tired after the Radiotherapy and was so thrilled that they were happy just lounging around the house, which is all I wanted to do.  The week went so fast and looking back we hardly left the house.  We went to the supermarket, two restaurants and one walk!  Apart from that we just lounged.  We all took projects, me book club book and a carding I'm making for new niece (with more hair than me), Mrs M a drawing project and Mrs T lots of classic books.  Guess what we did none of them.  To be honest I have no idea what we did do!  All I know is that the time went very fast.  Mrs M did teach me the most horrifically addictive card game.  Don't remember the name but I happily played it till the early hours.

My treatment is now all over.  I go back to the hospital on the 21st November to see how well it all went.  I don't think they give the all clear with breast cancer they just keep checking you for a while and the checks get fewer and further apart until they feel you are OK.  Which I think is a good sign.  I've got a very butch hair style and am longing for it to grow longer.  As my darling nephew said "Lou you look like a man in a dress"!!!

I've had some very exciting news financially.  I had some shares in what I thought was a dead company but it appears not.  In this awful time of impending depression I've managed to sell them very very well, which is unbelievable.  Sadly most of the money has already gone but at least I'm not facing the future with any financial worries.

So am back to work tomorrow and this time its hopefully forever with no long breaks.  

The Photo

This is the Photo Gozra took for his book!  I'm shocked at how huge my boobs are! They never look that big in the mirror!  Oh well the advantage with huge boobs is that they cancer could not be fucked to take the long journey to my lymph nodes, thus saving me so much hassle.

I love the photo although to be hones I've been a bit worried about my son seeing it.  Not sure how happy he would be with his mother showing her all to any one who cares to look!   I'm very proud of my scar and the fact that my journey is almost over.  I've learnt a lot from this little adventure and hope that I can pass some of my knowledge on to others.    Also hope I'll be a nicer person at the end of this.

Long time no see!

I've been without a network for a while.  Basically I've been stealing some neighbours connection but guess what they put a password on it!  How antisocial! 

Well after a lot or negotiation I've at last got my own connection, phew!

Since I last logged in I've been so so busy.  Polly has been here, which has been seriously funny but right now I'm to tired to tell all, so will try at do this tomorrow.

Are you glad I'm back?  I am!

xxxx

Back Again!

Sleep, Sleep and more sleep!!

I'm exhausted!  My day goes like this:

10.00 am Try and get up!  Usually takes about an hour.

11.00 am Walk dogs.

12.00 noon Rush of to hospital for radiotherapy.  Popping in on beautiful sister and Lotty the  the adorable baby with more hair than me!

2.00 pm Home, lunch, bed.

7.00 pm Get up, eat supper.  Sit on sofa like lump of lifeless lard.

9.00 pm Go to bed!

Its fashion week and all my facebook friends are going to all the wonderful shows and parties. They then ring me to tell me what fun they are having.  Also lovely Eric actually managed to send me a couple of photos showing what fun he's having!  Thanks darling.  Just received another party invite! I'm consoling myself with dreams of when its all over.

This sleeping thing has only just started.  I did have the most amazing weekend.  Ian (who makes beautiful handmade corsets)  had a birthday party on Saturday.  I took naughty daughter as she did an apprenticeship with him and loves him.  I also took lovely boy I've been kissing.  I was driving as the party was miles away in north London.  On the way we picked up my old school friend Katie.  When we get there it was brilliant.  My lovely Mary was there from Devon, looking wonderful as well as loads of old friends.  Half way through the party Katie turned to me and asked:

 "was there not someone coming who you have been kissing?".  

"Darling" I said "he's the one who was in the car with us"

"Oh" she said"I thought he was Rosie's (naughty daughter's) boyfriend".

Well what could I say!!!  anyway the outcome is that I'm going to take things no further with beautiful boy.  He is very sweet but I think we are going to stop kissing and just be friends from now on.  Don't think he was very impressed with being thought of as boyfriend of naughty daughter either.  Especially as she was being totally vile to him!

Sunday was The club's Christmas party (we have to do it now as we are so busy at Christmas).  The theme was Beach Party.  Before that I cooked a Sunday roast for my elegant sister-in-law and my beautiful but very naughty niece and nephew.  Beautiful boy was also there and again sister-in-law thought he was a friend of the kids!! When I'm well and have my figure back I'm going to find a nice sensible man of my own age.  I never want to be one of those middle aged ladies that has a selection of toy boys on her arm!  

Then onto the club.  Naughty daughter had friends with her one of whom had a nicer car than me!  And drove us there.  I was in the front with a very beautiful Chanel bag on my lap!  Not mine hers!!  By then I was quite tired.  Then got rather drunk and made best friends with a woman that owns a fetish hotel!!!  Oops!!  One of my favourite work mates, Jim was miserable because he's homeless.  Yes you've guessed we have a new member of our family.  He's turning out to be very easy.  Tonight he's in Brighton having a romantic night with a Fuel Girl. My only tiny worry is that he does have the most dreadful reputation as a seducer and I'm worried he might jump on naughty daughter when she's drunk!!  Well on the way home from the party on Saturday she (with rather a lot of wine in her) declared that she was very good in bed.  Lordy how to make a Mother's ears bleed!

Well I'm signing off now as it's almost my bed time.

Love from lifeless lump of lard.

xxx

Happy!

Oh my God!

I'm so so happy!  I don't think I have ever felt as happy as I am now!

REASON 1

I've hooked up with an old gang of friends.  They all know me so well that life is so easy.   They totally accept my bald state and are brilliant.  Tonight I've been to my beloved Jamie's exhibition at 'Trash Palace.  It was so much fun, I was so happy to see so many old faces from my past.

REASON 2

I'm through with Chemo and Radiotherapy is just a walk in the park compared.

REASON 3

I've been offered the most amazing job.

REASON 4

I've just had the most amazing news re finances.  

REASON 5

I'm killing the cancer beast!!!!

REASON 6

I'm going to Spain with my 2 best friends in the beginning of October.  Can't wait!

REASON 7

I love my children! (this should be reason 1)

And I can go on and on and on!!!  Basically life is wonderful.

xxxxxx

Update!

Silly depression has gone.  actually I'm feeling happier than I have for ages.  I've started my radiotherapy and its so so easy after chemo.  Although I've discovered the love of sleep.  I'm sleeping loads and loving it, also having the most amazing dreams.

Between sleeping I've been very busy.  I'm going to be photographed by Gozra tomorrow.  Gozra is the most amazing photographer, he's been in Vogue, and more.  Google him!  Anyway its for a book on beauty and I'm going to be in it!!!  I'l post the picture after.

Also I've managed another kiss with beautiful boy!  We went for a drink last week and I so remember the kiss this time!  It was so so lovely.  He is very cool and I know we will be great friends.  Sadly one of the throwbacks from chemo is the total lack of desire so I'm not in the leas bit interested in taking things further at the moment.  Although I'm probably flattering myself if I think he would!

Sad news is the fact that my lovely club is being closed down in January so I'll be out of a job.  Although I've been offered 4 jobs and one of them is amazing.  I'll let you know when I have conformation that It's all on!!  I'm not going to say anything now as I might jinx it!!

So all is very well at the moment for me.

Kisses.

xxxxxx

Lottie Heffron

This is my new niece Lottie.  Beautiful sister is very pissed of that I have not mentioned her before but to be honest I'm slightly pissed off that Lottie has more hair than me!

Actually she is very very lovely and I'm slightly in love with her.

Me and some of the boys from work!

These pictures were taken on a brilliant night out with my lovely Jamie.  So sad he's not in any!  Below is me with Richard who does not actually work with us.  He's part of a cabaret act called Dikkie and Dolly.  I think he was once a contestant on Big Brother.  The other character is Andy who I work with and love dearly, despite the fact that he is a grumpy old sod.

This picture is of me, Andy again and Kurt who works behind our bar as well as being in an incredibly cool band.  

Mrs T's lovely home

I had a lovely weekend at Mrs T's house.  She has the most beautiful home in a lovely valley in Somerset.  I have to say I was not feeling 100% and she looked after me so beautifully.  I only wish I was a lovely to her when she had the dreaded cancer.

One thing we did agree on is that chemo is totally vile!  Without a doubt the nastiest thing either of us has ever done.  Far far worse than having babies!  I did ask her why she did not tell me how horrid it was going to be.  She just smiled and said why would she?  And would it have helped.  Which is very true.  In fact if I'd know I probably would have run away long before the end.

Its funny because I was so looking forward to this week as it is the week before chemo, if I was still doing it and I was so looking forward to Friday and knowing I'm not off to chemo, but in reality I'm feeling very low.  I have no idea why as my hair is coming back and life is moving on.  I think it might be something to do with the chemicals that have been left behind.  I'm not the type of person who gets depression but boy am I feeling rough right now.  In and ideal world I'd be at home in bed crying.  Thank god I have a job that forces me to go to work although I'm not my usual happy self.  I can't seem to get excited about gossip or the fact that I've managed to bring in a huge event.  Normally a day like today would have me dancing around the office whereas in reality all I want to do is go home.

I really want to write about the lovely weekend but I'm not in the mood to write about a fun time so think I'll come back to it once this dark cloud has lifted.

Phew!

The last chemo is all over and I'm back to my old self!  Well until Radiotherapy starts in September.

I've had the most amazing adventures but due to people who read this blog I can't tell the whole story.  There have been some hysterical moments and some incredibly frustrating and irritating times. 

Funny moments such as two bald ladies shivering with fear while hiding in a Shorditch pub's beer garden with two huge suitcases (helping a friend leave psychotic boyfriend).

Having to steal my own car!  I kid you not!  Again a long story that I can't really tell.

Hoping I was kissed by the most beautiful man.  As Polly said "Thank god darling, someone pretty at long last".  Believe me their  have been some shockers!   I'm not totally sure if we did kiss as lovely boss had bought me too many cocktails.   Frankly can't see why pretty boy would want to kiss bloated, bald, middle aged woman but I'm living in hope!  Or am I?  If I was kissed I can't remember so might as well have not been!   Anyway he was divine.  Half native American and very rock and roll.  I'm jut going to pretend I was kissed.

Being told off by a grown adult because I'd thrown Mr Bongabonga in the bin!!  I kid you not! To be honest I have not idea who or what Mr bongabonga is and I have no recollection of throwing him/it in the bin.  Also being told of by neighbours because an unwanted guest turned up in middle of night on extremely noisy motorbike, then proceeded to make a huge fuss outside the house before driving off on extremely noisy motorbike.

I'm off to Somerset this weekend to stay with the infamous Mrs T  Hopefully she'll give me some more really useful tips on how to cope with cancer!  If so I'll be sure to pass them on to you dear reader.  for now I'll say good bye and enjoy the lovely English Summer!

Mary

Was about to write about my holiday but then I read Mary's comments!  I love, Love, LOVE you Mary.

Anyway back to holiday:

Being here is very strange.  This place is enormously glamorous so being white, bald and bloated is not really the look.  So much so I'm the recipient of some very unpleasant attention. They have no shame and stare without fear.  If I try and stare back it makes no difference they just keep the look with an extra pinch of disgust thrown in.  I've learnt to keep my eyes on the ground so as not to get upset by the whole situation.

This weekend on of my most special people came out to stay.  His name is Dominico and I totally love him.  He's probably the closet thing my children have to a step father as he's always been there for them and me.  We've been best friends for far too long and I have no idea how I'd cope without him.  Dominico is gay and without a doubt one of the best looking men on this planet.  Believe me I'm not alone on this one.  He leaves a trail of broken hearts behind him.  Not only is he beautiful, he's glamorous, witty and intelligent with a body that would melt even the hardest hart. 

I collected him from the airport and we went strait off to do one of our special things... Supermarket shopping.  We love doing this together and can often be found down the isles of Sainsbury on a Saturday night.  We know really sad; when the rest of London is out having fun we are blissfully happy buying groceries.  He's an amazing cook.  Well its like everything is his life perfect!  Anyway I digress.  We are in the supermarket getting very excited about the amazing food on offer and filling a trolly when suddenly he starts to shriek with laughter!  Yes I'd received a particularly nasty stare.  I can't begin to tell you how lovely it was to have someone normalise this strange situation.  It made me, at last realise they are the sad people not me.  I should not give a fuck about what they think as its really rather funny.  

Later that evening my sister-in-law has two friends and their children over, one is the ex wife of a famous sports personality and the other is the daughter of a famous TV personality.  Both were thrilled with Dominico (also immensely impressed with his body and tan) and we has a very happy two days.  The four of us getting drunk and slightly stoned together.  I felt normal and no longer a freak.  So much so that when I drove Dominico back to the airport I forgot to wear a scarf and was bald  without a care in the world.  

Apart from the horrid stares the holiday has been heaven and I'm sure I'll have loads more stories to write about it soon.  Right now I'm off to bed as I have to do loads of packing tomorrow.

Dominico darling thank you so much for making me so happy.

xxxx

Block!

I never thought I'd have a problem writhing this blog!   But I've found I do right now!  There is no reason for this in the world as I have so much to say, although formulating it is so hard!  I have no idea where to begin.  I've decide to summarise it in a point formula.

Point 1

I'm so so sorry about the very weak last blog!  Chemo does funny things to me.

Point 2

Totally forgot to write about Mary's visit!  So here goes! (Doing this especially for Mary who I know is reading my blog) 

I was so excited about Mary's visit and when she arrived I was pathetic!  I took one look at her and burst into tears!!!  Great welcome!  Sad sobbing, bald person at the door.  She arrive with flowers and an enormous amount of happiness for me.  I was totally overcome.  Remember this was three days after chemo so was not that strong.  Also remember I had not seen her for years. Was supposed to have had a sleep before her arrival but like a small child was too excited!  Then we had to have a celebration drink, which is not a good idea so soon after chemo.  By this time I felt invincible (lack of sleep , too much excitement and overwhelming happiness) So started on Vodka, followed by Pinot Blush (my favourite wine).  Naughty and wonderful Jamie arrived as well as the magical Ian, and the party was if full swing.  Well ish!  Like and over excited child I got emotional and had to take myself to bed at 8.30!  Such  a shame!  So badly hated myself!  Why do I do this?  I missed all the fun!  Nest morning Mary went off with her sister for a spa day while I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself.  That night lovely Eric came over for dinner.  it was hysterical.  We laughed about the two enemies in my live who will remain nameless.  (One day I will totally tell the whole story).  And I was very well behaved.  I went to bed at the kind of time a person with cancer should and left the two of them having a private disco.

In the morning I found Eric asleep on my floor and Mary looking very wobbly!  She'd promised to go to the doctor with me!  I was just going to make sure I was getting all the freebies I can and also to check out my Hothead situation (menopause).  We got to the doctors with Mary clutching a diet coke, which she promptly spilt all over the waiting room chairs! You can't take the girl anywhere!  Once we left the doctor she decided she needed a hair of the dog drink!  This is half ten in the morning!  Anyway being a good hostess I reluctantly obliged! By 12.00 I was beyond repair! I'd had four LARGE glasses of wine on and empty stomach!  There are several funny stories about this short period but I feel they are best kept between me and Mary!  If she feels they need to be aired then its up to her to contribute!  I reluctantly said a sad good bye to her as she found her way to Hampton Court for the wedding she'd come to London to attend.

Point 3

I'm now in Spain.  This is where things get hard!  I need to describe my lovely home and holiday but every time I try I just think I sound like the most spoilt bitch.  I think you must realise by now I'm a fairly privileged individual.  And this is where I'm going to end for now because I have no idea how to write about my holiday.  I think I'll sleep on it and try again tomorrow.  Suffice to say I'm in the place I'm happiest.

Time again

tomorrow I'm back having my Chemo!  today was my last day at work for quite a while.  I have chemo the a week recovering then two weeks holiday (I booked the flights before I was diagnosed and by total fluke they fall nicely between my chemo) then the next cheom, which is my LAST!  After that I have two weeks radiotherapy followed by a week recovery.  So may not be back at work until September.  I'm still not totally sure as I don't have the dates for my radiotherapy.  

Anyway today was the last day at work for a while.  I have a lovely girl doing my job while I'm away and spent this week happily getting to know her and showing her the ropes. 

I so do have the best job in the world.  Today I got the loveliest bunch of flowers from two of my bar boys.  As well as loads of love and kisses from everyone.  I was so overwhelmed I cried.  Not a good look when you are trying to be a tough club bitch!  Also had a lovely farewell drink with lovely boss ad his family.  I'm actually going to miss work.  Do you know I wake up happy to go to work!  How lucky am I.  The down side is that its all so wonderful I'm convinced someone is going to steal my job.  If I could fix a burglar alarm to it I would, and although lovely girl who's doing my job is lovely I'm very worried she's going to steal it.

As I was on my way home from work I started thinking back over the past few months and I suddenly realised I'm going to miss my cancer when its gone!  Not the nasty side but all the attention I get and the fact its the best excuse you could wish for when you don't feel like doing something.  I think these last months have made me immensely spoilt.  I do believe I've turned into a brat!!!  Recovering is going to be the biggest anticlimax ever!  I've got to have to have a serious plan going forward to stop embarrassing spoilt brat tantrums erupting!  One of my projects while I'm away is to make a game plan for when I'm better.  I'll let you know when I have one!!

xx

Back Again!

After leaving the last blog I got thinking about who reads this!  

I have no idea as no one ever leaves messages.  Not that I blame you as I never do either.  I do know there are lots of you.  Mostly people who know me, and that is the whole reason for me doing this.  I want to be able to let you all know what's going on without you having to feel uncomfortable about asking me.  Also I really enjoy the feeling of sending my thoughts out without knowing what's going to happen to them or who's going to read them.  Be honest when you kept a diary as a teenager it was always in hope that you'd die a dramatic, glamorous, young death probably of consumption and after your death your diary would be a world best seller, with your parents feeling so sorry that they never understood you! 

While I was cleaning the kitchen I realised what a huge responsibility this is!  I'm always aware of upsetting people which is why I don't relay the arguments me and naughty daughter have.  At this point might have to mention that at 2.30am last night, after naughty daughter had left her keys at home and woken me up to get in she spectacularly told me she had never liked me! 

This was screamed at high volume just incase they were not aware of it in Hong Kong.  It made me giggle all night and just confirmed how much I love her.

But I diverse.  There are so many silly little situations I'd love to write down.  Things that have upset me, insensitive things people have said (without meaning it) but know I can't just incase they see it and realise it's them.  I'm the best ever at putting my foot in it and am always very forgiving.  Although I do wonder If I'm being totally honest if I don't catalogue these situations.

I'm going relay just one of these stories so I feel better:

I got a call from a very intelligent and kind man that I have a huge amount of respect for.  He had heard I was not well and obviously felt it was his duty to offer his support.  Once he got me on the phone he sounded uncomfortable and obviously did not know what to say!  I tried to make things better for him by joking and sounding off hand.  When I mentioned that I'd lost my hair he then went on to ask if I still had hair between my legs!  I uncomfortably replied that I had very little which made me feel immensely vulnerable.  He then went on to say how lucky I was!  And what a catch I would be!  This is a prime example of what NOT to say to a woman when she's going through chemotherapy.  

Actually if the person in question does read this then remember; not a good thing to say in future!  I know you didn't mean it and do forgive you but am sure as hell not going to call on you when I need support!!!!

OH Sh**t, F**K

Mary's visit was wonderful and I fully intended to write about it today, until today that is!

This morning Dolly(my Whippet) and I were lounging in bed discussing the world and its friends when I noticed that Dolly was in urgent need of an manicure!  Dog manicure's exist of a long walk on pavements to file down the nails (it works a treat and would recommend it to humans).  So as I was planning to meet the girls in Portobello  decided that I'd take the dogs and walk.  Also felt this would do me good as I'm looking very lardy at the moment.  No exercise and too much feeling sorry for myself.

Today was hot!  I covered myself in factor 30 put my turban, straw hat and big sun glasses on and set off.  The walk to Portobello is lovely, lots of pretty houses with lovely gardens and leafy pavements.  Dogs fairly irritating.  Especially daughters dog who needs to piss on everything. About 10 minutes into the walk I realised how hot it was, wooly turban under straw hat was not a good idea.  Also forgot to put factor 30 on arms so had to keep wooly cardigan on! Therefore feeling hot and irritable.

Then it happened!!!!!!  Crossing the road and OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!  I bump into a HUGE crush I have not seen for 6 years!  How could fate be so evil!  There was no way I could pretend I was not me or avoid him as we literally collided!  This tiny little voice came out of my mouth with his name.  Sweat was probably trickling from under my sun glasses.  I wanted to be zapped up, zapped down, or obliterated. Anything to not be there. He was lovely and recognised me despite bald head and lardy body.  Thank god he was wearing sun glasses so I could not see the repulsion in his eyes.  His mother has breast cancer at moment so he was kind and understanding. He steered me into the shade and walked with me down the street chatting so comfortably.  I'd forgotten how handsome he was and what a lovely voice he has.  I'd also forgotten how pathetic I can be around a crush!

How could life be so evil.  If only this had happened three months ago when I was looking good. Lovely hair and good figure! Not sweaty!  For Gods sake there's been six years for us to bump into each other so why now?

Outcome!  I went to meet a friend tonight for a drink and guess what!  Put mascara on my 6 eyelashes and pencilled in my 3 eyebrow hairs.  So there is obviously a lesson to be learnt from today.  Although I don't think its the pathetic effort in the make-up department.  will let you know when I find it.

Am still burning with the humiliation of today but have promised myself I'm going to become a goddess once I'm well!!!!!!!!

xxxx

I survived!

The vein they usually use was very bruised so they had to go into another.  It was horrendous and took 3 attempts.  As Mrs T will take great delight in telling you I'm not very good at injections so 3 times meant a few tears.  My arm very interesting looking now with the most fantastic colours.  Sham I missed the Summer Exhibition as I think it would have been a star attraction.

I then ran home to the country to be safe with family.  It was beautiful there and I slept loads and ate loads.  Also went for a bit of physiotherapy on my bruised arm and think the original vein will be up for use next time.  At home I've moved myself into the best bedroom in the house we call it Grandma's room as it's where she lived during the war.  She also used to stay there when she came down before she died.  Sometimes it still smells of her.  It's wonderful room  with a four poster bed and lovely view of the garden.  My excuse it that I can watch TV in bed but really its that the room is so lovely.  I played queen and had visitors.  My darling Brother and his lovely wife came down with their enchanting children and all made a huge fuss of me (The Queen).

Beautiful and very pregnant sister and here kind and lovely husband came down to baby sit me on Saturday night (parents went to a dance and did not want to leave me alone)  and we rummaged in the attic and looked out all my old baby clothes.  My children were born in the 80's and I'm afraid to say I was a total fashion victim.  I'm the proud owner of a fabulous collection of horrendous 80's baby clothes in the most extraordinary colours and styles.  I think they will come back one day but pregnant sister decide they were not for her!  We did manage to find some lovely bits in a more classic style!  I think she'll drop very soon.  Poor darling has horridly swollen ankles at the moment.  I got very bossy and made her sit with them propped up on the dining table with loads of cushions under them.  She sweetly obliged but did not look happy.

I'm home now and off work all week.  I'm very excited because Mad Marlborough Mary is coming to stay and look after me tomorrow night.  She used to work for me in a company who's name we don't mention because my other two partners in the company totally destroyed me about 5 years ago.  They know who they are and I hope they feel shame.  One day I will write the whole story down but not just now as it's still very raw.  Anyway in happier times Mary and I worked together.  She was amazing.  You never had to ask her to do anything.  She had this incredible ability to think before you.  At quit times in the office and in dull meetings we'd played 'Patsy and Bubbles together'.  She was brilliant at the post-it note trick.  She was always a cheerful and a happy present in an, at times very fraught and tense office.  She now lives in Devon where she's happily married so her coming to see me is the kindest and most exciting thing.  I'm going to invite some friends over.  They'll have to cook as I don't think I have the energy but I'm sure we'll muddle through and have a lot of fun.

I only have two more chemo's to go.  Phew.

xx

Tomorrow!

I have an appointment (date) with the Black Knight tomorrow.... I'm very very scared I hate it!  My vein is still f..ked from last time.  My arm has been very painful.  Thank God my wonderful Mother is coming with me and will fight my corner.  

All I'm doing is thinking of when this is all over.  I'm going to have a party called 'Thank God It's All Over'.  It's going to be in the VIP room of my club and I'm going to invite everyone that has supported me during this journey.  My lovely Big boss it coming as is my family.  Can't wait for them all to meet.

Please please think of me tomorrow  I have that horrid feeling that reminds me of Sunday afternoons before I had to go back to boarding school when I was little.  I get the same sick feeling in my stomach and just want to dig a hole and hide in it.  Or have a magic power that makes me invisible until Saturday. I'm scared and want to vanish!  

I'm making no sense because I'm scared.  Tonight is a very dark moment for me.  I so so cant wait for this to be over.  I think chemo is the most horrendous thing ever.  When I had the cancer growing in me my live was good.  No pain, no nastiness, just a strange lump.  Now I'm supposedly getting better its horrid.  

I'm sorry for being so negative but I'm in a very dark place tonight. 

In 24 hours this will be behind me.  I'll just feel like shit and wonder if live is worth it.

Sorry, sorry sorry.

Just hate life right now.

xxxx 

I hate chemo.  Actually I HATE HATE HATE Chemo.  

Phew!

Evil Ex's bankruptcy was only 3 weeks ago so I'm safe. Phew!  

Polly is off to Ibiza next week for the summer season.  She is part of the Manumission gang and will be on stage with them every Friday.  I'm going to miss her so much.  She's so funny and I love our Wednesday night's.  She comes to stay with me every Wednesday and we drink white wine and put the world to rights.  Last time she came over it was just me and her (not teenagers) we were sitting in the kitchen having our dinner.  Two dotty bald ladies. During dinner there was a knock on the door, it was two men from John Lewis with a lovely garden table and four chairs. I totally forgot we were both bald and could not understand why they were looking so uncomfortable and trying to get out of the house as fast a possible.  While they were in the house they kept their eyes glued to the floor!  They must have thought they had stumbled on some strange religious cult or two mad lesbians!  Whatever it was very very funny.

I also love being with Polly because having no hair feels so normal when your friend actually shaves her head as part of here look.  She really is my best friend.  She is so kind.  She made me promise that if I needed here at anytime while she's away all I have to do is call and she'll be on the first flight home.  She's actually going to spend all of August here with me doing the final chemo and the radiation treatment.  So don't expect to see her in Ibiza then.  I should also thank the Manumission crowd for letting here be here with me.  I know how irritating it is for them not to have one of their main performers away for the busiest part of the season.

So thank you very much Polly and Manumission.

xx

When it rains it pours!

I separated from my husband over 10 years ago but we never got divorced.  The main reason for this was that I was worried about the affect the divorce would have on my children.  My ex is a vindictive person who loves a fight and I did not want young children to go through the trauma of witnessing their parents at loggerhead.

Last year the ex approached me for a divorce as he wants to marry again.  With a huge sigh of relief I gladly agreed and found myself a lovely solicitor.  Needless to say things did not go smoothly and he was a monster.  Although he thinks I'm mad and is very happy to share this opinion with my children!  What a shit.

After about 9 harrowing months and vast amounts of money spent on solicitors it was settled and I received a small settlement.  Phew.

I happened to bump into lovely solicitor on the tube a couple of weeks ago and mentioned that evil ex has now gone bankrupt.  She was sweet and said she never gets personally involved in a case but she could not help but be so in mine as both her and my barrister though he was appalling to me and she was now concerned about the bankruptcy.  Anyway she rang me today to say she had been doing a bit of research (for free) and was now extremely concerned as if the bankruptcy was presented before the date that I received my settlement I'd have to give the money back!  

This is shattering news!  I'm not working as often as I would like at the moment and because I'm self employed I only get paid when I work.  Evil ex was also supposed to raise my monthly payment which needless to say he has not and I don't stand much chance of receiving this for a long time.  

I'm now faced with the horrifying prospect of having to part with the only safety net I  have to carry me through this trying and bleak time.  My ex has no reason to be bankrupt.  He has a amazing job where his annual income is over £250k.  This is his second bankruptcy and the reason for it is that he spends money like its going out of fashion without bothering to pay any bills or taxes.  I just feel its so bloody unfair!  I work hard and budget well.  Why should I now suffer for his extravagant selfish behaviour?

A Reply from my lovely Jamie. xx

think you may have given me a tad too much ..,.attention...i think you forgot to mention all the funny things that u did ..LOL>> That i still laugh about ..ie ...speak to that freak about the lanternt house ..LOL>> and his weird reaction ..!!! ask what rachel is doing with your faveourite dolls house after the show ..and can you have it ...tell ing me  that you have been trying to buy a dolls house on e bay for 2 years and some woman has been out bidding you ..LOL>. it is true it was rachel..and she is very GREEDY>>> making me line up to go for the boat in the swimming pool experience ... like you were 5 all over again ..LOL>>> saying please please Jamie ..its all i will ever ask from you ... Just this once ..a ride on the boat /...LIke we were at DISNEY ..which we were ..LOL>> I would have loved it too ..but not with 50 people waiting for 3 boats ..LOL...telling me ..how you wish you brought a hair pin to burst that ..inflatable hexagonal ..ballon thing ... LOL>> telling the rent boy ..that u would like to see the whole world graffittied ..to my disgust ..OH DARLING u really are the STAR>>U MAKE ME LAUGH so much ..and we will never be MEDIOCRE people thanx jesus ...

Jamie Mac

Is one of the most amazing men.  He's good looking sexy and incredibly funny.  He makes me laugh till I cry.  We've been friends since 1986 and in that time have had some of the most naughty adventures.   Anyway the lovely Jamie took me out on a date last Wednesday.  He came to the office to collect me and take me to the opening of the new exhibition at the Hayward gallery. 

Naughty Jamie has a tattoo!  Well actually he has lost of tattoo's but one is of a particularly interesting subject!!  It's a very graphic depiction of a very intimate part of the lady's anatomy!  It's on his arm and quivers in an alarming fashion when he flexes his muscles!  I love making him show it to people and needless to say he impressed all the boys in the office with it.  I must add here that the boys are no strangers to tattoos themselves but were still extremely impressed with his.  

We went to the 12 Bar for a starter drink.  12 Bar is owned by my boss and is where all the staff and management meet for afterwork drinks.  Its a great bar and I always have a lovely time there.  Jamie met my lovely boss and his sister Sylvia.  Sylvia has been on the whole cancer journey herself and is a great support to me.  We had a few drinks and headed on to the Hayward.  I forgot how lovely the Southbank is.  It was a lovely balmy evening and there were loads of people around.  The exhibition was wonderful and I strongly recommend it to everyone.  After we wandered down to the river with a drink.  Where we had a great time chatting to the street kids that hang around there.  We like to think they thought we were cool!! Sad old people we are!

Now slightly pissed and very very happy we wandered back to the 12 Bar to see how everyone was.  Jamie flashed his tattoo again.  I felt so proud of him.  He then took me for pizza in Soho. Where he convinced me I looked beautiful with my bald head and made me eat my dinner without my scarf.  It felt great and I'm so grateful for his kindness and love.  

After dinner Jamie poured me into a taxi where I suddenly realised on the way home I was so drunk I could not remember the pin number of my card!  Drunk mummy had to return home to the extreme embarrassment of daughters boyfriend having to pay for my cab and help me to bed!  So inelegant.  But totally worth it.

Physically did not feel 100% the next morning but mentally I felt fantastic.  Jamie please please can we go out again soon.  I love you forever.

xxxxxxxxxx

Chemo 3 over

I'm home feeling vile having had chemo number 3.  It's Monday, I had my chemo on Friday. Friday and Saturday were fine but yesterday and today I feel like pooh and am having a very hard time remembering this is good for me.  I did find out some very interesting fact about chemo. Did you know that chemo is made up of mustard gas?  Yes its true!  Apparently mustard gas kills off everything that grows fast in your body such as hair and cancer.  Hence the reason I'm bald.  Still does not explain why the hairs on my legs are still growing very vigourously!  It also makes me feel assured that if I ever find my self in the trenches being exposed to mustard gas I'll probably have a bit of a resistance to the poison.  Luck me!

Since my chemo I've spent and idyllic weekend with my family.  Lovely Mother came with me and then took me to our family home where most of my siblings were with my niece and nephew.  My son came with his wonderful girlfriend and naughty daughter managed to fit in a few hours between her busy social life.  On Saturday we had an idyllic lunch on the lawn with my dad's best man and his wonderful family consisting of his wife, four beautiful daughters and wonderful children. For some unexplained reason most of this family have has some type of cancer in their life and all are looking wonderful.  One of the daughters had overran cancer  and now has three beautiful children.  The youngest being called Rosie who was 8 weeks old and lovely with the best hair I've ever seen on a baby.  Made me feel very broody.

We drank loads of Rose wine and laughed loads.  At one point I walked down to the river and looked back at the party.  It looked like the kind of party you'd love to be at and I felt so happy to be part of this amazingly kind group of people.  The love and kindness I get from my family is overwhelming I'm so aware of the worry they are going through with my illness and would do anything to take it away from them.  I'm also thinking my daughters absence and busy social life is her way of coping with my illness. In which case I wish here good luck and strength.  She is a lovely kind girl who I know is dealing with this the only way she feels she can.

Diagnosis

Thought I should write about how I discovered my cancer.

Last December I found a small lump above my left breast and went to my GP.  She was basically fairly dismissive and told me to come back in two weeks if it was still there!  I left feeling relieved that she was not worried and decided it was nothing to worry about and was not going to bother to go back.  

The busy Christmas season came and went then I moved house.  I did notice my small lump was getting progressively bigger but still thought it was nothing to worry about.  Darling Polly told me here mum gets them all the time and she just pops a pill and they go away!  One charming friend told me not to worry it was probably just a bit of gristle! 

By the end of Feb my lump was quite large and now visible from the surface of the skin.  It looked like my brothers pacemaker!  I decided another visit to my charming GP was in order.  She did not even look at the lump but thank god she did refer me to the Marsden Hospital for a Mammogram.

My lovely mother and beautiful pregnant sister came with me.  I was still convinced it was nothing and was a little worried everyone would think I was being a bit of a drama queen.  Having a mammogram is a very funny experience as your boobs are squished flat and ex-rayed.  There is nothing glamourous or elegant about the whole process but the women who did it were lovely and made it all seem so normal.  During the mammogram the dreaded 'is there a history of cancer in your family' question was asked.  My aunt had breast cancer but charming GP had told me this did not count as she was over 70 when she had it.  So I said no unless you count my aunt.  The did count my aunt!

The lovely doctor then asked me to go back to the waiting room as she wanted to do a scan on the lump.  By now I'm getting a little worried.  Scan done she tells me the lump is 3cm x 3.5cm! Rather huge then!  She also asked me to go back to the waiting room as she wanted to do a biopsy on the lump!  Now I'm really worried especially when there is only one other couple left in the waiting room.  All the people I arrived with have gone away!  Mother and sister are trying to keep my spirits up and the Marsden has the most amazing collection of magazines such as the latest Vogue, Harpers, Interiors; sadly no Take a break or Chat!  Even so I'm getting twitchy and wondering why I bothered.  Wanting to go home and be with my beautiful babies.

The biopsy was not very nice.  They take some tissue from the lump and it left my boob looking dreadful.  I do have a picture of it but I'm not going to put it up as the bald picture has upset so many I don't think I can face the wrath of all my girlfriends again!  Also its on my phone and I don't know how that works!

After the biopsy she asked me to go back to the waiting room again as another Dr wants to see me.  By this stage I'm getting a bit weepy and very very twitchy.  Mother and I go into meet Dr Gough.  There is also the sweetest nurse there too she is my special nurse and I have here number if ever I need anything.  Dr Gough tells me straight away I have breast cancer.  I'm a little confused as they have not yet had the results of the biopsy so how do they know?  She says its a very aggressive level 3 cancer.  She then tells me what going to happen next.  Neither me or lovely Mother took in a word of what she said.  I was sobbing and mother was trying very very hard to be brave.  The I met the famous Mr Gui.  He's one of the top breast surgeons in country I'm very lucky he was going to do my opp.  He then told me more about the operation.  Again I did not take in a word he said.

My lovely sister has an adorable house just around the corner from the hospital so we all went back there.  I shook and inhaled two glasses of wine as I made all the relevant calls to work and loved ones.  This was probably one of the darkest days of my life.  I can honestly say things have got better since then and I've also changed my GP!

Immortality

Yesterday someone told me of a man who has kept a blog through his battle with leukaemia.  Apparently it's come back and he's been told he only has months to live.  This made me feel very sad and also made me think about immortality!  I have never once thought I would die.  I'm very lucky as my type of cancer is very curable.  As the chemo consultant called it "fast to grow fast to go". 

What if I did have a terminal form of cancer?  Who would look after my children?  What about my will? Are my papers in order?  Who would have the horrendous task of going through all my possessions, and what would they think of me when they did?  I'm just so so lucky I'm going to get over this and I promise never to complain about the chemo again!  In fact I'm going to start to love my chemo.  As Mrs T said "think of it as the black knight.  He's not a very nice person but he's in your body to kill of the evil invader".  I've decided my black knight is tall, dark, handsome.  Rather sexy in a bad boy kind of way.  He obviously had some terrible childhood trauma that's left him hating and distrusting the world.  He has no fear of danger and never lets anyone get to close to him.  I'm actually falling quite in love with him!  When will I learn.

xx

I made Polly Cry!

My beautiful friend Polly visited my blog and rang me to say that it made her cry.  It was not what I'd written but how I looked in my cancer picture.  She says I look so much prettier in real life and she hate the fact that I've put such a bad picture of me up!

I've promised that we are going to put a new picture up together.  The only problem is that Polly is the most beautiful bald lady you've ever seen.  She's a model that has made here career out of the fact that she is bald and very very beautiful.  I'm very aware of the fact that I now look someone who is trying to do a sad imitation of her best friend! Do your remember the beautiful girl as school that had the sad ugly best friend who totally copied here style and only made the beautiful girl look even better?  Well I feel like the the ugly girl next to Polly.

Please believe Polly would be furious if she thought she made me feel like that but she's so totally beautiful and elegant that I simply have no choice to adopt that role.

Signing off the ugly fat friend.

xxxx

Mrs T handy hints

My best friend Mrs T has very kindly sent me over some handy hints!!!!

Dear Mrs B,

The following are a few random tips for making the most of breast cancer - I hope they prove helpful.

Responding to the initial diagnosis: my personal feeling is that you cannot be too dramatic.  Brave and dignified is all very well but is it interesting?  If you do find yourself asking sensible and practical medical questions I would advise you to maybe adopt a foreign accent for extra pathos - Russian is good as it is full of mystery and intensity.  It is important to bear in mind that the medical staff are going to be looking after you through the treatment so try and be as memorable as possible (loosing your medical notes is a real hazard in NHS).  I did quite a lot of  rocking backwards and forwards, humming with my fingers in my ears - this went down really well and I was not forgotten throughout my treatment.

Tried and tested party tricks with cancer props:

My favourite party turn was sticking my prosethic nipple on my forehead.  Unfortunately not many people shared m enthusiasm for this trick and have since needed therapy.......so my advice would be tread carefully with this potentially hilarious prop.

My second favourite trick was playing frisbee with my false breast.  Again, make sure the recipient knows you are throwing it to them as they are quite heavy and difficult to catch.

Third party trick is of course.....the wig.  There really is just so much endless fun to ve had with wearing a wig that I could just go on and on.  ......suffice to say it is an absolute necessity at parties and much more fun than a turban.

I hope the above proves useful.

Mrs T

xx

The wig is a huge issue with me which I'm going to go into in the future!  All I can say for now is that at the moment me and my wig are have relationship problems!!

Thanks 

Louisa

My Friends

Linus is a craggy faced ginger haired gay man with the most evil and dry sense of humour.  We've been friends for many years, he now lives in Brighton and I'm far to lazy to go and visit him so our friendship now exists of phone calls, filthy test jokes and the odd message on Facebook.  I have hundreds of fun memories of times spent with him.  Most of these memories have a key theme running through them.  Our shared love of trash weekly magazines such as 'Take a Break' and 'Chat'.

Yesterday he did the kindest thing ever. 

I'm so excited I can't wait.  

The evil bastard had bought me a years subscription to two of these magazines.  I'm sure I'll be delighting you all with handy hints,  brain-wave road-shows, and stories of drunken wedding disasters.  Not only is this the most wonderful and brilliantly original present but its also an incredibly tender gift as it brings back all he happy times we've spent together, the wonderful Greek holiday, the surfing holiday in Cornwall and the drunken nights seeing in the dawn and helplessly laughing at the most stupid but at the time brilliant things.  We've even discussed producing our own weekly trashy magazine called 'To Too Fabulous'.  I'd be full of amazing handy hints like how to apply lipstick without a mirror by mouthing the work Wendy when applying!!

My darling Linus than you for being you and thank you for being my friend.

xxxxxxxxx

Me!

This is me!  I'm in my 40's and have breast cancer! 

Below is how is used to look!!!

Don't you dare feel sorry for me!  I'm surviving and working the BIG 'C'  card well.

In my old life I was a happy successful party girl who had the most amazing job in the world of night clubs.  I'm lucky enough to be loved by my employer and have all the support from them.  Once I'm well I'll be back so look out!!!!

I decided to create this blog having chatted to my best friend who also had breast cancer 4 years age and we decided that is was time to let you all know that cancer does have its funny side!  

I also want to make people aware that cancer is not an old persons illness.  I know of 5 people that have had breast cancer and only on of them is over 50!  I thin it's about time the state realised that we should start screening women long before they are 50!  When I first went to the doctor she dismissed me as being too young.  by the time I went back my tumour was 3 cm! I still wonder if I'd been diagnosed before would I be bald now!

I'm going to keep a diary of my adventures during my cancer journey.  I have a huge sense of humour and hope you'll all enjoy my experiences.  I want you all to laugh with me and enjoy this little adventure I'm going on.

Louisa.

xx