Friday, 23 May 2008


Thought I should write about how I discovered my cancer.

Last December I found a small lump above my left breast and went to my GP.  She was basically fairly dismissive and told me to come back in two weeks if it was still there!  I left feeling relieved that she was not worried and decided it was nothing to worry about and was not going to bother to go back.  

The busy Christmas season came and went then I moved house.  I did notice my small lump was getting progressively bigger but still thought it was nothing to worry about.  Darling Polly told me here mum gets them all the time and she just pops a pill and they go away!  One charming friend told me not to worry it was probably just a bit of gristle! 

By the end of Feb my lump was quite large and now visible from the surface of the skin.  It looked like my brothers pacemaker!  I decided another visit to my charming GP was in order.  She did not even look at the lump but thank god she did refer me to the Marsden Hospital for a Mammogram.

My lovely mother and beautiful pregnant sister came with me.  I was still convinced it was nothing and was a little worried everyone would think I was being a bit of a drama queen.  Having a mammogram is a very funny experience as your boobs are squished flat and ex-rayed.  There is nothing glamourous or elegant about the whole process but the women who did it were lovely and made it all seem so normal.  During the mammogram the dreaded 'is there a history of cancer in your family' question was asked.  My aunt had breast cancer but charming GP had told me this did not count as she was over 70 when she had it.  So I said no unless you count my aunt.  The did count my aunt!

The lovely doctor then asked me to go back to the waiting room as she wanted to do a scan on the lump.  By now I'm getting a little worried.  Scan done she tells me the lump is 3cm x 3.5cm! Rather huge then!  She also asked me to go back to the waiting room as she wanted to do a biopsy on the lump!  Now I'm really worried especially when there is only one other couple left in the waiting room.  All the people I arrived with have gone away!  Mother and sister are trying to keep my spirits up and the Marsden has the most amazing collection of magazines such as the latest Vogue, Harpers, Interiors; sadly no Take a break or Chat!  Even so I'm getting twitchy and wondering why I bothered.  Wanting to go home and be with my beautiful babies.

The biopsy was not very nice.  They take some tissue from the lump and it left my boob looking dreadful.  I do have a picture of it but I'm not going to put it up as the bald picture has upset so many I don't think I can face the wrath of all my girlfriends again!  Also its on my phone and I don't know how that works!

After the biopsy she asked me to go back to the waiting room again as another Dr wants to see me.  By this stage I'm getting a bit weepy and very very twitchy.  Mother and I go into meet Dr Gough.  There is also the sweetest nurse there too she is my special nurse and I have here number if ever I need anything.  Dr Gough tells me straight away I have breast cancer.  I'm a little confused as they have not yet had the results of the biopsy so how do they know?  She says its a very aggressive level 3 cancer.  She then tells me what going to happen next.  Neither me or lovely Mother took in a word of what she said.  I was sobbing and mother was trying very very hard to be brave.  The I met the famous Mr Gui.  He's one of the top breast surgeons in country I'm very lucky he was going to do my opp.  He then told me more about the operation.  Again I did not take in a word he said.

My lovely sister has an adorable house just around the corner from the hospital so we all went back there.  I shook and inhaled two glasses of wine as I made all the relevant calls to work and loved ones.  This was probably one of the darkest days of my life.  I can honestly say things have got better since then and I've also changed my GP!

Tuesday, 20 May 2008


Yesterday someone told me of a man who has kept a blog through his battle with leukaemia.  Apparently it's come back and he's been told he only has months to live.  This made me feel very sad and also made me think about immortality!  I have never once thought I would die.  I'm very lucky as my type of cancer is very curable.  As the chemo consultant called it "fast to grow fast to go". 

What if I did have a terminal form of cancer?  Who would look after my children?  What about my will? Are my papers in order?  Who would have the horrendous task of going through all my possessions, and what would they think of me when they did?  I'm just so so lucky I'm going to get over this and I promise never to complain about the chemo again!  In fact I'm going to start to love my chemo.  As Mrs T said "think of it as the black knight.  He's not a very nice person but he's in your body to kill of the evil invader".  I've decided my black knight is tall, dark, handsome.  Rather sexy in a bad boy kind of way.  He obviously had some terrible childhood trauma that's left him hating and distrusting the world.  He has no fear of danger and never lets anyone get to close to him.  I'm actually falling quite in love with him!  When will I learn.


Sunday, 18 May 2008

I made Polly Cry!

My beautiful friend Polly visited my blog and rang me to say that it made her cry.  It was not what I'd written but how I looked in my cancer picture.  She says I look so much prettier in real life and she hate the fact that I've put such a bad picture of me up!

I've promised that we are going to put a new picture up together.  The only problem is that Polly is the most beautiful bald lady you've ever seen.  She's a model that has made here career out of the fact that she is bald and very very beautiful.  I'm very aware of the fact that I now look someone who is trying to do a sad imitation of her best friend! Do your remember the beautiful girl as school that had the sad ugly best friend who totally copied here style and only made the beautiful girl look even better?  Well I feel like the the ugly girl next to Polly.

Please believe Polly would be furious if she thought she made me feel like that but she's so totally beautiful and elegant that I simply have no choice to adopt that role.

Signing off the ugly fat friend.


Mrs T handy hints

My best friend Mrs T has very kindly sent me over some handy hints!!!!

Dear Mrs B,

The following are a few random tips for making the most of breast cancer - I hope they prove helpful.

Responding to the initial diagnosis: my personal feeling is that you cannot be too dramatic.  Brave and dignified is all very well but is it interesting?  If you do find yourself asking sensible and practical medical questions I would advise you to maybe adopt a foreign accent for extra pathos - Russian is good as it is full of mystery and intensity.  It is important to bear in mind that the medical staff are going to be looking after you through the treatment so try and be as memorable as possible (loosing your medical notes is a real hazard in NHS).  I did quite a lot of  rocking backwards and forwards, humming with my fingers in my ears - this went down really well and I was not forgotten throughout my treatment.

Tried and tested party tricks with cancer props:

My favourite party turn was sticking my prosethic nipple on my forehead.  Unfortunately not many people shared m enthusiasm for this trick and have since needed my advice would be tread carefully with this potentially hilarious prop.

My second favourite trick was playing frisbee with my false breast.  Again, make sure the recipient knows you are throwing it to them as they are quite heavy and difficult to catch.

Third party trick is of course.....the wig.  There really is just so much endless fun to ve had with wearing a wig that I could just go on and on.  ......suffice to say it is an absolute necessity at parties and much more fun than a turban.

I hope the above proves useful.

Mrs T


The wig is a huge issue with me which I'm going to go into in the future!  All I can say for now is that at the moment me and my wig are have relationship problems!!



Friday, 16 May 2008

My Friends

Linus is a craggy faced ginger haired gay man with the most evil and dry sense of humour.  We've been friends for many years, he now lives in Brighton and I'm far to lazy to go and visit him so our friendship now exists of phone calls, filthy test jokes and the odd message on Facebook.  I have hundreds of fun memories of times spent with him.  Most of these memories have a key theme running through them.  Our shared love of trash weekly magazines such as 'Take a Break' and 'Chat'.

Yesterday he did the kindest thing ever. 

I'm so excited I can't wait.  

The evil bastard had bought me a years subscription to two of these magazines.  I'm sure I'll be delighting you all with handy hints,  brain-wave road-shows, and stories of drunken wedding disasters.  Not only is this the most wonderful and brilliantly original present but its also an incredibly tender gift as it brings back all he happy times we've spent together, the wonderful Greek holiday, the surfing holiday in Cornwall and the drunken nights seeing in the dawn and helplessly laughing at the most stupid but at the time brilliant things.  We've even discussed producing our own weekly trashy magazine called 'To Too Fabulous'.  I'd be full of amazing handy hints like how to apply lipstick without a mirror by mouthing the work Wendy when applying!!

My darling Linus than you for being you and thank you for being my friend.


Thursday, 15 May 2008


This is me!  I'm in my 40's and have breast cancer! 

Below is how is used to look!!!

In my old life I was a happy successful party girl who had the most amazing job in the world of night clubs.  I'm lucky enough to be loved by my employer and have all the support from them.  Once I'm well I'll be back so look out!!!!

I decided to create this blog having chatted to my best friend who also had breast cancer 4 years age and we decided that is was time to let you all know that cancer does have its funny side!  

I also want to make people aware that cancer is not an old persons illness.  I know of 5 people that have had breast cancer and only on of them is over 50!  I thin it's about time the state realised that we should start screening women long before they are 50!  When I first went to the doctor she dismissed me as being too young.  by the time I went back my tumour was 3 cm! I still wonder if I'd been diagnosed before would I be bald now!

I'm going to keep a diary of my adventures during my cancer journey.  I have a huge sense of humour and hope you'll all enjoy my experiences.  I want you all to laugh with me and enjoy this little adventure I'm going on.