Back Again!

After leaving the last blog I got thinking about who reads this!  

I have no idea as no one ever leaves messages.  Not that I blame you as I never do either.  I do know there are lots of you.  Mostly people who know me, and that is the whole reason for me doing this.  I want to be able to let you all know what's going on without you having to feel uncomfortable about asking me.  Also I really enjoy the feeling of sending my thoughts out without knowing what's going to happen to them or who's going to read them.  Be honest when you kept a diary as a teenager it was always in hope that you'd die a dramatic, glamorous, young death probably of consumption and after your death your diary would be a world best seller, with your parents feeling so sorry that they never understood you! 

While I was cleaning the kitchen I realised what a huge responsibility this is!  I'm always aware of upsetting people which is why I don't relay the arguments me and naughty daughter have.  At this point might have to mention that at 2.30am last night, after naughty daughter had left her keys at home and woken me up to get in she spectacularly told me she had never liked me! 

This was screamed at high volume just incase they were not aware of it in Hong Kong.  It made me giggle all night and just confirmed how much I love her.

But I diverse.  There are so many silly little situations I'd love to write down.  Things that have upset me, insensitive things people have said (without meaning it) but know I can't just incase they see it and realise it's them.  I'm the best ever at putting my foot in it and am always very forgiving.  Although I do wonder If I'm being totally honest if I don't catalogue these situations.

I'm going relay just one of these stories so I feel better:

I got a call from a very intelligent and kind man that I have a huge amount of respect for.  He had heard I was not well and obviously felt it was his duty to offer his support.  Once he got me on the phone he sounded uncomfortable and obviously did not know what to say!  I tried to make things better for him by joking and sounding off hand.  When I mentioned that I'd lost my hair he then went on to ask if I still had hair between my legs!  I uncomfortably replied that I had very little which made me feel immensely vulnerable.  He then went on to say how lucky I was!  And what a catch I would be!  This is a prime example of what NOT to say to a woman when she's going through chemotherapy.  

Actually if the person in question does read this then remember; not a good thing to say in future!  I know you didn't mean it and do forgive you but am sure as hell not going to call on you when I need support!!!!

OH Sh**t, F**K

Mary's visit was wonderful and I fully intended to write about it today, until today that is!

This morning Dolly(my Whippet) and I were lounging in bed discussing the world and its friends when I noticed that Dolly was in urgent need of an manicure!  Dog manicure's exist of a long walk on pavements to file down the nails (it works a treat and would recommend it to humans).  So as I was planning to meet the girls in Portobello  decided that I'd take the dogs and walk.  Also felt this would do me good as I'm looking very lardy at the moment.  No exercise and too much feeling sorry for myself.

Today was hot!  I covered myself in factor 30 put my turban, straw hat and big sun glasses on and set off.  The walk to Portobello is lovely, lots of pretty houses with lovely gardens and leafy pavements.  Dogs fairly irritating.  Especially daughters dog who needs to piss on everything. About 10 minutes into the walk I realised how hot it was, wooly turban under straw hat was not a good idea.  Also forgot to put factor 30 on arms so had to keep wooly cardigan on! Therefore feeling hot and irritable.

Then it happened!!!!!!  Crossing the road and OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!  I bump into a HUGE crush I have not seen for 6 years!  How could fate be so evil!  There was no way I could pretend I was not me or avoid him as we literally collided!  This tiny little voice came out of my mouth with his name.  Sweat was probably trickling from under my sun glasses.  I wanted to be zapped up, zapped down, or obliterated. Anything to not be there. He was lovely and recognised me despite bald head and lardy body.  Thank god he was wearing sun glasses so I could not see the repulsion in his eyes.  His mother has breast cancer at moment so he was kind and understanding. He steered me into the shade and walked with me down the street chatting so comfortably.  I'd forgotten how handsome he was and what a lovely voice he has.  I'd also forgotten how pathetic I can be around a crush!

How could life be so evil.  If only this had happened three months ago when I was looking good. Lovely hair and good figure! Not sweaty!  For Gods sake there's been six years for us to bump into each other so why now?

Outcome!  I went to meet a friend tonight for a drink and guess what!  Put mascara on my 6 eyelashes and pencilled in my 3 eyebrow hairs.  So there is obviously a lesson to be learnt from today.  Although I don't think its the pathetic effort in the make-up department.  will let you know when I find it.

Am still burning with the humiliation of today but have promised myself I'm going to become a goddess once I'm well!!!!!!!!

xxxx

I survived!

The vein they usually use was very bruised so they had to go into another.  It was horrendous and took 3 attempts.  As Mrs T will take great delight in telling you I'm not very good at injections so 3 times meant a few tears.  My arm very interesting looking now with the most fantastic colours.  Sham I missed the Summer Exhibition as I think it would have been a star attraction.

I then ran home to the country to be safe with family.  It was beautiful there and I slept loads and ate loads.  Also went for a bit of physiotherapy on my bruised arm and think the original vein will be up for use next time.  At home I've moved myself into the best bedroom in the house we call it Grandma's room as it's where she lived during the war.  She also used to stay there when she came down before she died.  Sometimes it still smells of her.  It's wonderful room  with a four poster bed and lovely view of the garden.  My excuse it that I can watch TV in bed but really its that the room is so lovely.  I played queen and had visitors.  My darling Brother and his lovely wife came down with their enchanting children and all made a huge fuss of me (The Queen).

Beautiful and very pregnant sister and here kind and lovely husband came down to baby sit me on Saturday night (parents went to a dance and did not want to leave me alone)  and we rummaged in the attic and looked out all my old baby clothes.  My children were born in the 80's and I'm afraid to say I was a total fashion victim.  I'm the proud owner of a fabulous collection of horrendous 80's baby clothes in the most extraordinary colours and styles.  I think they will come back one day but pregnant sister decide they were not for her!  We did manage to find some lovely bits in a more classic style!  I think she'll drop very soon.  Poor darling has horridly swollen ankles at the moment.  I got very bossy and made her sit with them propped up on the dining table with loads of cushions under them.  She sweetly obliged but did not look happy.

I'm home now and off work all week.  I'm very excited because Mad Marlborough Mary is coming to stay and look after me tomorrow night.  She used to work for me in a company who's name we don't mention because my other two partners in the company totally destroyed me about 5 years ago.  They know who they are and I hope they feel shame.  One day I will write the whole story down but not just now as it's still very raw.  Anyway in happier times Mary and I worked together.  She was amazing.  You never had to ask her to do anything.  She had this incredible ability to think before you.  At quit times in the office and in dull meetings we'd played 'Patsy and Bubbles together'.  She was brilliant at the post-it note trick.  She was always a cheerful and a happy present in an, at times very fraught and tense office.  She now lives in Devon where she's happily married so her coming to see me is the kindest and most exciting thing.  I'm going to invite some friends over.  They'll have to cook as I don't think I have the energy but I'm sure we'll muddle through and have a lot of fun.

I only have two more chemo's to go.  Phew.

xx

Tomorrow!

I have an appointment (date) with the Black Knight tomorrow.... I'm very very scared I hate it!  My vein is still f..ked from last time.  My arm has been very painful.  Thank God my wonderful Mother is coming with me and will fight my corner.  

All I'm doing is thinking of when this is all over.  I'm going to have a party called 'Thank God It's All Over'.  It's going to be in the VIP room of my club and I'm going to invite everyone that has supported me during this journey.  My lovely Big boss it coming as is my family.  Can't wait for them all to meet.

Please please think of me tomorrow  I have that horrid feeling that reminds me of Sunday afternoons before I had to go back to boarding school when I was little.  I get the same sick feeling in my stomach and just want to dig a hole and hide in it.  Or have a magic power that makes me invisible until Saturday. I'm scared and want to vanish!  

I'm making no sense because I'm scared.  Tonight is a very dark moment for me.  I so so cant wait for this to be over.  I think chemo is the most horrendous thing ever.  When I had the cancer growing in me my live was good.  No pain, no nastiness, just a strange lump.  Now I'm supposedly getting better its horrid.  

I'm sorry for being so negative but I'm in a very dark place tonight. 

In 24 hours this will be behind me.  I'll just feel like shit and wonder if live is worth it.

Sorry, sorry sorry.

Just hate life right now.

xxxx 

I hate chemo.  Actually I HATE HATE HATE Chemo.  

Phew!

Evil Ex's bankruptcy was only 3 weeks ago so I'm safe. Phew!  

Polly is off to Ibiza next week for the summer season.  She is part of the Manumission gang and will be on stage with them every Friday.  I'm going to miss her so much.  She's so funny and I love our Wednesday night's.  She comes to stay with me every Wednesday and we drink white wine and put the world to rights.  Last time she came over it was just me and her (not teenagers) we were sitting in the kitchen having our dinner.  Two dotty bald ladies. During dinner there was a knock on the door, it was two men from John Lewis with a lovely garden table and four chairs. I totally forgot we were both bald and could not understand why they were looking so uncomfortable and trying to get out of the house as fast a possible.  While they were in the house they kept their eyes glued to the floor!  They must have thought they had stumbled on some strange religious cult or two mad lesbians!  Whatever it was very very funny.

I also love being with Polly because having no hair feels so normal when your friend actually shaves her head as part of here look.  She really is my best friend.  She is so kind.  She made me promise that if I needed here at anytime while she's away all I have to do is call and she'll be on the first flight home.  She's actually going to spend all of August here with me doing the final chemo and the radiation treatment.  So don't expect to see her in Ibiza then.  I should also thank the Manumission crowd for letting here be here with me.  I know how irritating it is for them not to have one of their main performers away for the busiest part of the season.

So thank you very much Polly and Manumission.

xx

When it rains it pours!

I separated from my husband over 10 years ago but we never got divorced.  The main reason for this was that I was worried about the affect the divorce would have on my children.  My ex is a vindictive person who loves a fight and I did not want young children to go through the trauma of witnessing their parents at loggerhead.

Last year the ex approached me for a divorce as he wants to marry again.  With a huge sigh of relief I gladly agreed and found myself a lovely solicitor.  Needless to say things did not go smoothly and he was a monster.  Although he thinks I'm mad and is very happy to share this opinion with my children!  What a shit.

After about 9 harrowing months and vast amounts of money spent on solicitors it was settled and I received a small settlement.  Phew.

I happened to bump into lovely solicitor on the tube a couple of weeks ago and mentioned that evil ex has now gone bankrupt.  She was sweet and said she never gets personally involved in a case but she could not help but be so in mine as both her and my barrister though he was appalling to me and she was now concerned about the bankruptcy.  Anyway she rang me today to say she had been doing a bit of research (for free) and was now extremely concerned as if the bankruptcy was presented before the date that I received my settlement I'd have to give the money back!  

This is shattering news!  I'm not working as often as I would like at the moment and because I'm self employed I only get paid when I work.  Evil ex was also supposed to raise my monthly payment which needless to say he has not and I don't stand much chance of receiving this for a long time.  

I'm now faced with the horrifying prospect of having to part with the only safety net I  have to carry me through this trying and bleak time.  My ex has no reason to be bankrupt.  He has a amazing job where his annual income is over £250k.  This is his second bankruptcy and the reason for it is that he spends money like its going out of fashion without bothering to pay any bills or taxes.  I just feel its so bloody unfair!  I work hard and budget well.  Why should I now suffer for his extravagant selfish behaviour?

A Reply from my lovely Jamie. xx

think you may have given me a tad too much ..,.attention...i think you forgot to mention all the funny things that u did ..LOL>> That i still laugh about ..ie ...speak to that freak about the lanternt house ..LOL>> and his weird reaction ..!!! ask what rachel is doing with your faveourite dolls house after the show ..and can you have it ...tell ing me  that you have been trying to buy a dolls house on e bay for 2 years and some woman has been out bidding you ..LOL>. it is true it was rachel..and she is very GREEDY>>> making me line up to go for the boat in the swimming pool experience ... like you were 5 all over again ..LOL>>> saying please please Jamie ..its all i will ever ask from you ... Just this once ..a ride on the boat /...LIke we were at DISNEY ..which we were ..LOL>> I would have loved it too ..but not with 50 people waiting for 3 boats ..LOL...telling me ..how you wish you brought a hair pin to burst that ..inflatable hexagonal ..ballon thing ... LOL>> telling the rent boy ..that u would like to see the whole world graffittied ..to my disgust ..OH DARLING u really are the STAR>>U MAKE ME LAUGH so much ..and we will never be MEDIOCRE people thanx jesus ...

Jamie Mac

Is one of the most amazing men.  He's good looking sexy and incredibly funny.  He makes me laugh till I cry.  We've been friends since 1986 and in that time have had some of the most naughty adventures.   Anyway the lovely Jamie took me out on a date last Wednesday.  He came to the office to collect me and take me to the opening of the new exhibition at the Hayward gallery. 

Naughty Jamie has a tattoo!  Well actually he has lost of tattoo's but one is of a particularly interesting subject!!  It's a very graphic depiction of a very intimate part of the lady's anatomy!  It's on his arm and quivers in an alarming fashion when he flexes his muscles!  I love making him show it to people and needless to say he impressed all the boys in the office with it.  I must add here that the boys are no strangers to tattoos themselves but were still extremely impressed with his.  

We went to the 12 Bar for a starter drink.  12 Bar is owned by my boss and is where all the staff and management meet for afterwork drinks.  Its a great bar and I always have a lovely time there.  Jamie met my lovely boss and his sister Sylvia.  Sylvia has been on the whole cancer journey herself and is a great support to me.  We had a few drinks and headed on to the Hayward.  I forgot how lovely the Southbank is.  It was a lovely balmy evening and there were loads of people around.  The exhibition was wonderful and I strongly recommend it to everyone.  After we wandered down to the river with a drink.  Where we had a great time chatting to the street kids that hang around there.  We like to think they thought we were cool!! Sad old people we are!

Now slightly pissed and very very happy we wandered back to the 12 Bar to see how everyone was.  Jamie flashed his tattoo again.  I felt so proud of him.  He then took me for pizza in Soho. Where he convinced me I looked beautiful with my bald head and made me eat my dinner without my scarf.  It felt great and I'm so grateful for his kindness and love.  

After dinner Jamie poured me into a taxi where I suddenly realised on the way home I was so drunk I could not remember the pin number of my card!  Drunk mummy had to return home to the extreme embarrassment of daughters boyfriend having to pay for my cab and help me to bed!  So inelegant.  But totally worth it.

Physically did not feel 100% the next morning but mentally I felt fantastic.  Jamie please please can we go out again soon.  I love you forever.

xxxxxxxxxx

Chemo 3 over

I'm home feeling vile having had chemo number 3.  It's Monday, I had my chemo on Friday. Friday and Saturday were fine but yesterday and today I feel like pooh and am having a very hard time remembering this is good for me.  I did find out some very interesting fact about chemo. Did you know that chemo is made up of mustard gas?  Yes its true!  Apparently mustard gas kills off everything that grows fast in your body such as hair and cancer.  Hence the reason I'm bald.  Still does not explain why the hairs on my legs are still growing very vigourously!  It also makes me feel assured that if I ever find my self in the trenches being exposed to mustard gas I'll probably have a bit of a resistance to the poison.  Luck me!

Since my chemo I've spent and idyllic weekend with my family.  Lovely Mother came with me and then took me to our family home where most of my siblings were with my niece and nephew.  My son came with his wonderful girlfriend and naughty daughter managed to fit in a few hours between her busy social life.  On Saturday we had an idyllic lunch on the lawn with my dad's best man and his wonderful family consisting of his wife, four beautiful daughters and wonderful children. For some unexplained reason most of this family have has some type of cancer in their life and all are looking wonderful.  One of the daughters had overran cancer  and now has three beautiful children.  The youngest being called Rosie who was 8 weeks old and lovely with the best hair I've ever seen on a baby.  Made me feel very broody.

We drank loads of Rose wine and laughed loads.  At one point I walked down to the river and looked back at the party.  It looked like the kind of party you'd love to be at and I felt so happy to be part of this amazingly kind group of people.  The love and kindness I get from my family is overwhelming I'm so aware of the worry they are going through with my illness and would do anything to take it away from them.  I'm also thinking my daughters absence and busy social life is her way of coping with my illness. In which case I wish here good luck and strength.  She is a lovely kind girl who I know is dealing with this the only way she feels she can.