Mary

Was about to write about my holiday but then I read Mary's comments!  I love, Love, LOVE you Mary.

Anyway back to holiday:

Being here is very strange.  This place is enormously glamorous so being white, bald and bloated is not really the look.  So much so I'm the recipient of some very unpleasant attention. They have no shame and stare without fear.  If I try and stare back it makes no difference they just keep the look with an extra pinch of disgust thrown in.  I've learnt to keep my eyes on the ground so as not to get upset by the whole situation.

This weekend on of my most special people came out to stay.  His name is Dominico and I totally love him.  He's probably the closet thing my children have to a step father as he's always been there for them and me.  We've been best friends for far too long and I have no idea how I'd cope without him.  Dominico is gay and without a doubt one of the best looking men on this planet.  Believe me I'm not alone on this one.  He leaves a trail of broken hearts behind him.  Not only is he beautiful, he's glamorous, witty and intelligent with a body that would melt even the hardest hart. 

I collected him from the airport and we went strait off to do one of our special things... Supermarket shopping.  We love doing this together and can often be found down the isles of Sainsbury on a Saturday night.  We know really sad; when the rest of London is out having fun we are blissfully happy buying groceries.  He's an amazing cook.  Well its like everything is his life perfect!  Anyway I digress.  We are in the supermarket getting very excited about the amazing food on offer and filling a trolly when suddenly he starts to shriek with laughter!  Yes I'd received a particularly nasty stare.  I can't begin to tell you how lovely it was to have someone normalise this strange situation.  It made me, at last realise they are the sad people not me.  I should not give a fuck about what they think as its really rather funny.  

Later that evening my sister-in-law has two friends and their children over, one is the ex wife of a famous sports personality and the other is the daughter of a famous TV personality.  Both were thrilled with Dominico (also immensely impressed with his body and tan) and we has a very happy two days.  The four of us getting drunk and slightly stoned together.  I felt normal and no longer a freak.  So much so that when I drove Dominico back to the airport I forgot to wear a scarf and was bald  without a care in the world.  

Apart from the horrid stares the holiday has been heaven and I'm sure I'll have loads more stories to write about it soon.  Right now I'm off to bed as I have to do loads of packing tomorrow.

Dominico darling thank you so much for making me so happy.

xxxx

Block!

I never thought I'd have a problem writhing this blog!   But I've found I do right now!  There is no reason for this in the world as I have so much to say, although formulating it is so hard!  I have no idea where to begin.  I've decide to summarise it in a point formula.

Point 1

I'm so so sorry about the very weak last blog!  Chemo does funny things to me.

Point 2

Totally forgot to write about Mary's visit!  So here goes! (Doing this especially for Mary who I know is reading my blog) 

I was so excited about Mary's visit and when she arrived I was pathetic!  I took one look at her and burst into tears!!!  Great welcome!  Sad sobbing, bald person at the door.  She arrive with flowers and an enormous amount of happiness for me.  I was totally overcome.  Remember this was three days after chemo so was not that strong.  Also remember I had not seen her for years. Was supposed to have had a sleep before her arrival but like a small child was too excited!  Then we had to have a celebration drink, which is not a good idea so soon after chemo.  By this time I felt invincible (lack of sleep , too much excitement and overwhelming happiness) So started on Vodka, followed by Pinot Blush (my favourite wine).  Naughty and wonderful Jamie arrived as well as the magical Ian, and the party was if full swing.  Well ish!  Like and over excited child I got emotional and had to take myself to bed at 8.30!  Such  a shame!  So badly hated myself!  Why do I do this?  I missed all the fun!  Nest morning Mary went off with her sister for a spa day while I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself.  That night lovely Eric came over for dinner.  it was hysterical.  We laughed about the two enemies in my live who will remain nameless.  (One day I will totally tell the whole story).  And I was very well behaved.  I went to bed at the kind of time a person with cancer should and left the two of them having a private disco.

In the morning I found Eric asleep on my floor and Mary looking very wobbly!  She'd promised to go to the doctor with me!  I was just going to make sure I was getting all the freebies I can and also to check out my Hothead situation (menopause).  We got to the doctors with Mary clutching a diet coke, which she promptly spilt all over the waiting room chairs! You can't take the girl anywhere!  Once we left the doctor she decided she needed a hair of the dog drink!  This is half ten in the morning!  Anyway being a good hostess I reluctantly obliged! By 12.00 I was beyond repair! I'd had four LARGE glasses of wine on and empty stomach!  There are several funny stories about this short period but I feel they are best kept between me and Mary!  If she feels they need to be aired then its up to her to contribute!  I reluctantly said a sad good bye to her as she found her way to Hampton Court for the wedding she'd come to London to attend.

Point 3

I'm now in Spain.  This is where things get hard!  I need to describe my lovely home and holiday but every time I try I just think I sound like the most spoilt bitch.  I think you must realise by now I'm a fairly privileged individual.  And this is where I'm going to end for now because I have no idea how to write about my holiday.  I think I'll sleep on it and try again tomorrow.  Suffice to say I'm in the place I'm happiest.

Time again

tomorrow I'm back having my Chemo!  today was my last day at work for quite a while.  I have chemo the a week recovering then two weeks holiday (I booked the flights before I was diagnosed and by total fluke they fall nicely between my chemo) then the next cheom, which is my LAST!  After that I have two weeks radiotherapy followed by a week recovery.  So may not be back at work until September.  I'm still not totally sure as I don't have the dates for my radiotherapy.  

Anyway today was the last day at work for a while.  I have a lovely girl doing my job while I'm away and spent this week happily getting to know her and showing her the ropes. 

I so do have the best job in the world.  Today I got the loveliest bunch of flowers from two of my bar boys.  As well as loads of love and kisses from everyone.  I was so overwhelmed I cried.  Not a good look when you are trying to be a tough club bitch!  Also had a lovely farewell drink with lovely boss ad his family.  I'm actually going to miss work.  Do you know I wake up happy to go to work!  How lucky am I.  The down side is that its all so wonderful I'm convinced someone is going to steal my job.  If I could fix a burglar alarm to it I would, and although lovely girl who's doing my job is lovely I'm very worried she's going to steal it.

As I was on my way home from work I started thinking back over the past few months and I suddenly realised I'm going to miss my cancer when its gone!  Not the nasty side but all the attention I get and the fact its the best excuse you could wish for when you don't feel like doing something.  I think these last months have made me immensely spoilt.  I do believe I've turned into a brat!!!  Recovering is going to be the biggest anticlimax ever!  I've got to have to have a serious plan going forward to stop embarrassing spoilt brat tantrums erupting!  One of my projects while I'm away is to make a game plan for when I'm better.  I'll let you know when I have one!!

xx

Back Again!

After leaving the last blog I got thinking about who reads this!  

I have no idea as no one ever leaves messages.  Not that I blame you as I never do either.  I do know there are lots of you.  Mostly people who know me, and that is the whole reason for me doing this.  I want to be able to let you all know what's going on without you having to feel uncomfortable about asking me.  Also I really enjoy the feeling of sending my thoughts out without knowing what's going to happen to them or who's going to read them.  Be honest when you kept a diary as a teenager it was always in hope that you'd die a dramatic, glamorous, young death probably of consumption and after your death your diary would be a world best seller, with your parents feeling so sorry that they never understood you! 

While I was cleaning the kitchen I realised what a huge responsibility this is!  I'm always aware of upsetting people which is why I don't relay the arguments me and naughty daughter have.  At this point might have to mention that at 2.30am last night, after naughty daughter had left her keys at home and woken me up to get in she spectacularly told me she had never liked me! 

This was screamed at high volume just incase they were not aware of it in Hong Kong.  It made me giggle all night and just confirmed how much I love her.

But I diverse.  There are so many silly little situations I'd love to write down.  Things that have upset me, insensitive things people have said (without meaning it) but know I can't just incase they see it and realise it's them.  I'm the best ever at putting my foot in it and am always very forgiving.  Although I do wonder If I'm being totally honest if I don't catalogue these situations.

I'm going relay just one of these stories so I feel better:

I got a call from a very intelligent and kind man that I have a huge amount of respect for.  He had heard I was not well and obviously felt it was his duty to offer his support.  Once he got me on the phone he sounded uncomfortable and obviously did not know what to say!  I tried to make things better for him by joking and sounding off hand.  When I mentioned that I'd lost my hair he then went on to ask if I still had hair between my legs!  I uncomfortably replied that I had very little which made me feel immensely vulnerable.  He then went on to say how lucky I was!  And what a catch I would be!  This is a prime example of what NOT to say to a woman when she's going through chemotherapy.  

Actually if the person in question does read this then remember; not a good thing to say in future!  I know you didn't mean it and do forgive you but am sure as hell not going to call on you when I need support!!!!

OH Sh**t, F**K

Mary's visit was wonderful and I fully intended to write about it today, until today that is!

This morning Dolly(my Whippet) and I were lounging in bed discussing the world and its friends when I noticed that Dolly was in urgent need of an manicure!  Dog manicure's exist of a long walk on pavements to file down the nails (it works a treat and would recommend it to humans).  So as I was planning to meet the girls in Portobello  decided that I'd take the dogs and walk.  Also felt this would do me good as I'm looking very lardy at the moment.  No exercise and too much feeling sorry for myself.

Today was hot!  I covered myself in factor 30 put my turban, straw hat and big sun glasses on and set off.  The walk to Portobello is lovely, lots of pretty houses with lovely gardens and leafy pavements.  Dogs fairly irritating.  Especially daughters dog who needs to piss on everything. About 10 minutes into the walk I realised how hot it was, wooly turban under straw hat was not a good idea.  Also forgot to put factor 30 on arms so had to keep wooly cardigan on! Therefore feeling hot and irritable.

Then it happened!!!!!!  Crossing the road and OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!  I bump into a HUGE crush I have not seen for 6 years!  How could fate be so evil!  There was no way I could pretend I was not me or avoid him as we literally collided!  This tiny little voice came out of my mouth with his name.  Sweat was probably trickling from under my sun glasses.  I wanted to be zapped up, zapped down, or obliterated. Anything to not be there. He was lovely and recognised me despite bald head and lardy body.  Thank god he was wearing sun glasses so I could not see the repulsion in his eyes.  His mother has breast cancer at moment so he was kind and understanding. He steered me into the shade and walked with me down the street chatting so comfortably.  I'd forgotten how handsome he was and what a lovely voice he has.  I'd also forgotten how pathetic I can be around a crush!

How could life be so evil.  If only this had happened three months ago when I was looking good. Lovely hair and good figure! Not sweaty!  For Gods sake there's been six years for us to bump into each other so why now?

Outcome!  I went to meet a friend tonight for a drink and guess what!  Put mascara on my 6 eyelashes and pencilled in my 3 eyebrow hairs.  So there is obviously a lesson to be learnt from today.  Although I don't think its the pathetic effort in the make-up department.  will let you know when I find it.

Am still burning with the humiliation of today but have promised myself I'm going to become a goddess once I'm well!!!!!!!!

xxxx

I survived!

The vein they usually use was very bruised so they had to go into another.  It was horrendous and took 3 attempts.  As Mrs T will take great delight in telling you I'm not very good at injections so 3 times meant a few tears.  My arm very interesting looking now with the most fantastic colours.  Sham I missed the Summer Exhibition as I think it would have been a star attraction.

I then ran home to the country to be safe with family.  It was beautiful there and I slept loads and ate loads.  Also went for a bit of physiotherapy on my bruised arm and think the original vein will be up for use next time.  At home I've moved myself into the best bedroom in the house we call it Grandma's room as it's where she lived during the war.  She also used to stay there when she came down before she died.  Sometimes it still smells of her.  It's wonderful room  with a four poster bed and lovely view of the garden.  My excuse it that I can watch TV in bed but really its that the room is so lovely.  I played queen and had visitors.  My darling Brother and his lovely wife came down with their enchanting children and all made a huge fuss of me (The Queen).

Beautiful and very pregnant sister and here kind and lovely husband came down to baby sit me on Saturday night (parents went to a dance and did not want to leave me alone)  and we rummaged in the attic and looked out all my old baby clothes.  My children were born in the 80's and I'm afraid to say I was a total fashion victim.  I'm the proud owner of a fabulous collection of horrendous 80's baby clothes in the most extraordinary colours and styles.  I think they will come back one day but pregnant sister decide they were not for her!  We did manage to find some lovely bits in a more classic style!  I think she'll drop very soon.  Poor darling has horridly swollen ankles at the moment.  I got very bossy and made her sit with them propped up on the dining table with loads of cushions under them.  She sweetly obliged but did not look happy.

I'm home now and off work all week.  I'm very excited because Mad Marlborough Mary is coming to stay and look after me tomorrow night.  She used to work for me in a company who's name we don't mention because my other two partners in the company totally destroyed me about 5 years ago.  They know who they are and I hope they feel shame.  One day I will write the whole story down but not just now as it's still very raw.  Anyway in happier times Mary and I worked together.  She was amazing.  You never had to ask her to do anything.  She had this incredible ability to think before you.  At quit times in the office and in dull meetings we'd played 'Patsy and Bubbles together'.  She was brilliant at the post-it note trick.  She was always a cheerful and a happy present in an, at times very fraught and tense office.  She now lives in Devon where she's happily married so her coming to see me is the kindest and most exciting thing.  I'm going to invite some friends over.  They'll have to cook as I don't think I have the energy but I'm sure we'll muddle through and have a lot of fun.

I only have two more chemo's to go.  Phew.

xx

Tomorrow!

I have an appointment (date) with the Black Knight tomorrow.... I'm very very scared I hate it!  My vein is still f..ked from last time.  My arm has been very painful.  Thank God my wonderful Mother is coming with me and will fight my corner.  

All I'm doing is thinking of when this is all over.  I'm going to have a party called 'Thank God It's All Over'.  It's going to be in the VIP room of my club and I'm going to invite everyone that has supported me during this journey.  My lovely Big boss it coming as is my family.  Can't wait for them all to meet.

Please please think of me tomorrow  I have that horrid feeling that reminds me of Sunday afternoons before I had to go back to boarding school when I was little.  I get the same sick feeling in my stomach and just want to dig a hole and hide in it.  Or have a magic power that makes me invisible until Saturday. I'm scared and want to vanish!  

I'm making no sense because I'm scared.  Tonight is a very dark moment for me.  I so so cant wait for this to be over.  I think chemo is the most horrendous thing ever.  When I had the cancer growing in me my live was good.  No pain, no nastiness, just a strange lump.  Now I'm supposedly getting better its horrid.  

I'm sorry for being so negative but I'm in a very dark place tonight. 

In 24 hours this will be behind me.  I'll just feel like shit and wonder if live is worth it.

Sorry, sorry sorry.

Just hate life right now.

xxxx 

I hate chemo.  Actually I HATE HATE HATE Chemo.